Wouldn't You Like To Be A Pepper Too?

Dr. Pepper, drink Dr. Pepper......

Wah-sup, motherfuckers? I'll tell you wah-sup! You wanna know? Okay, this is wah-sup......

MOTHERFUCK CARP!

That's wah-sup!

And no, I'm NOT going to get tired of saying that any time soon. In fact, I'm probably NEVER going to get tired of saying that. And you're not tired of reading it, either. Admit it.

Me and my boy, Ron Washington, are all about motherfuck Carp! And you should be too! It'll add peace, balance, and harmony to your lives. Say it a few times. You'll feel better. Much better. Open your minds, motherfuckers.

I bet even the man who inspired this great phrase, Chris Carpenter, is going around saying, "Motherfuck Carp!" I would be!

Bitch ass motherfuckah brought it to da hizzy, motherfuck Carp gits mah mind all a-bizzy!

You know, sometimes that repeating yourself to get your way doesn't work. Rarely works on the boyfriend, and even less on the hubby. My properties don't bend as easily as my boss.

Me: "Property, buy me a new car."

Husband: "Quit calling me property and no, you only have 55,000 miles on your current one."

Me: "Property, buy me a new car."

Husband: "No."

Well, that's fucked. Then again, I probably shouldn't have asked for a Porsche.

Note to Blogger: If I say I don't want to add my cell phone to this account, don't give me some fucking pop-up window asking if I'm sure, okay? And I'm sick of this question popping up again and again. If I WANTED to do this, I WOULD HAVE by now.

Oh, fine, here's my cell: 555-Fuc-Koff.

Another note to Blogger: Your new interface sucks dick. I hate it. Quit switching my layout to the new one. It's just annoying when I have to keep opting to use the old--better--interface.

Why do companies like Google and Microsuck insist on forcing new shit down their customers throats?

Okay, that's about it for this lame-ass entry. Really, I just cobbled a few things together....because....it's time....it's time! That's right!

Buccaneer Lori makes her return!

Well, that and I just wanted to say "motherfuck Carp!" a few times...

Until next time, motherfuckers!

Hey....

....what's up, motherfuckers? '

MOTHERFUCK CARP! Still awesome.....what a line. I love Ron Washington. I loved that pregame speech.

Some people took offense when that tape was leaked. I thought it was awesome. To the very oh-so-sensitive ones out there, here's a little tiny piece of info: THAT'S HOW THEY TALK IN LOCKER ROOMS!

Fucking A. That just made me respect the man all that much more. Anybody who took offense to this speech must get hard or wet about things like "everybody gets a worthless trophy day" and "we shouldn't grade students".

Seriously, man. It's fucking sports, that's how they roll, and if you don't like it, go listen to some fucking symphony after your metrosexual seminar. Hit "The Vagina Monologues" with David and Victoria Beckham.

Toughen up, Greta. If this wounds you so much, stop watching sports. Ballet may be your thing (and you can cry there, too!).

But if you keep complaining.....me and my new great friend--and obvious Lair visitor, Ron---got something to say!

MOTHERFUCK CARP!

I am LOVING Jeremy Lin! Linsanity, baby! It's fun, it's perking up a too-packed NBA schedule, and it's exciting. He's a great kid and it's a great story. The ultimate underdog getting his shot. I hope it keeps going. If you don't like Lin, you probably have the Beckhams on speed dial to arrange emergency trips to the shopping mall.

Got me a nice, long weekend. Started today. Y-E-S! Motherfuck Carp!

Me happy. Me like time off. Me don't know why me even bothers working. Me don't gotta. Me must be a glutton for punishment.

I don't get online to chat much. I know a good amount of people and get my chat from Facebook and from some people I already have on my chat list.

But I'll venture into a chat room on occasion, and sure enough, you'll get a bunch of guys assuming that you're there for an orgasm only they can provide. Not all guys are like this, of course. But a lot are. And so are a lot of women.

Invariably, I'll get an IMs from "hey wanna play?" guys and I'll decline, saying that I'm not there for sex. And there's always that one who'll say, "rats" or utter some other declaration of disappointment.

If only I was there for sex! Surely, I'd do it with THAT guy! I love how "that guy" assumes that it would've taken a female more than ten seconds to find a playmate. And I love how "that guy" assumes that I'd just play with him.

Then there's the guy who wants to hook up offline. Usually, these geniuses don't even look at profiles to find out where I actually, you know, live. It amazes me that even in chat rooms some fuckface will IM and ask this. Yeah, I'll just run off and meet some clown like this.

Personally, if I met a guy and we really hit it off, I could see myself maybe getting some action off of him. But it would take a long time. And believe me, I'd develop an offline relationship with him first--coffee, lunches, etc. Still, it's not my S.O.P.

Sheesh. The mentality of some people when they get into a chat room, though.

Hubby's being put to work. He gets to slide on the sex during NASCAR season. Not when it's NASCAR's off-season. No, sorry honey!

So, last night, he did his duty, and quite well, I must say. But....maybe too good of a job? Yeah, I woke up this morning ready for more. So....hand down his boxers.....

Husband: "Let me sleep."

Me: "No. You're working from home, so you have to pay for that. Quit talking back, property."

Husband: "Sorry, all tapped out. Call your boyfriend."
Me: "He's fucking his wife. You do the same, motherfucking hubby."

Husband: "Let. Me. Sleep. And quit using that word."

Me: "What word? "Wife?"

Husband: "Motherfucker, you lunatic."

Me.: "Alex wants to motherfucking fuck you."

And that did it. He was at full attention. Like any guy with a sane mind, he thinks Alex is cuter than cute, and hotter than hot. So I climbed aboard and "did the work", so to speak. Hey, you gotta meet people halfway, right?

Anyway, it didn't take me long to hit the high note and I knew how to make him hit it too. I kept rocking back and forth and said, "I can't wait to double team you with Alex."

And that was that. He ended up starting work later than he had planned, but hey, it wasn't like he had to drive in to work (as he had already "driven-in" somewhere else!)

Would you like fries with that?

I enjoy having a steady bf and hubby. It really IS the best of both worlds. Throw in some cute girls, and well, I'm a happy motherfucking chick. Sometimes a little tired, but happy nonetheless.

Orgasms good. More orgasms better. Food best of all.

I MUST say congratulations to my friends, Shelly and Janey. They recently moved in together at "The House" (Shells moved into Janey's giant, all-encompassing room).

Actually, I don't really HAVE to. But I'm a wonderful, giving person. What can I say? I love those two motherfuckers.

I think they should just shut down Yahoo! at this point. It's clear these fucks don't know what they're doing.

First, they closed down 360, a wonderful platform. I loved 360. But these arrogant assholes knew better. Then, when they shut down 360, they shut down their regular profile system.

When they shut down 360, they promised that everyone could export their blogs. Of course, they're shitty export tool didn't work and everybody lost their blog content.

So they shut down the regular profiles and introduced some POS called "Pulse". "Pulse" must mean "parasite" in Latin, because all it did was suck off FB, Twitter, and Blogspot feeds. Oh, you could add friends, too.

Then you lost the ability to actually, you know, CONTACT your friends! WTF? Then, not long ago, I went to check my Pulse page and saw that it had been replaced with some standard profile platform. All your friends were gone. Now they call it "Yahoo! Profile". Wow, what creative mind thought of THAT?

I'd call it, "Bland POS Yahsuck! Profile". Useless, like everything else on Yahoo.

You couldn't add friends. Just an info page. I went to my profile page and found that this stupid thing doesn't even completely work. When I clicked the "More Info" tab, it wouldn't open.

Unbelievable. No wonder other social networking systems are kicking the snot out of it!

Oh, and when I went to my profile from the YahSuck Messenger module, I had to sign in. I guess signing INTO Messensucker wasn't enough.

Fuck you, Yahoo. I hope you assholes go out of business. You're nothing but arrogant, know-nothing losers. Again, fuck you. Anybody who makes AOL look great in comparison is truly the bottom of the barrel.

When 360 was still around, I DID have one problem. You could post your own pick as the background. It was great. People loved it. And there was one of me I posted at a yacht club in Florida. It show a teeny-tiny, itsy-bitsy bit of nipple. So they kept taking it off. Needless to say, this royally pissed me off. They gave me shit over another couple of pics as well.

So Teri put up a full frontal nude pic of herself for her background to see what they'd do. They never said a word. She had it up for like a year.

Unreal.

A month or so ago, the law office I run with an iron fist moved into a spacious new pad. A few weeks before we moved, one of the senior partners came into my office and said, "C'mon. We're going to the new place."

Fuck yeah. But why?

Boss In Name Only: We want you to pick your office.

Me: Why? You didn't already assign me a closet?

BINO: We don't want to hear you complain by choosing yours. We have two from you to choose from.

Me: Only two?
BINO: Uh huh.

Me: Okay, but Lindsay's coming with us.

BINO: We picked out her work area already.

Me: Lindsay's coming with us.

BINO: Fine. I apologize for not realizing this.

Me: That's okay.

Fucking bosses. They're like your parents: you TELL them, you don't ASK them. And you let them know that if they say no, you're going to do it behind their backs anyway, so they might as well just fucking say yes and spare themselves the headache. Seems simple enough to me.

So I went and grabbed Lindsay (she's my former assistant when I ran Accounts Payable/Receivable who now runs Accounts Payable/Receivable). I wanted her to have an idea of where she wanted what. I thought that was only fair.

Lindsay is another example of telling, not asking, your boss/bosses.

When I became the office manager, I wanted Lindsay. So when they asked if I wanted the "interim" taken off my title, I said sure.

Then I told BINO I wanted Lindsay to move up.

Me: Lindsay is taking my old job.

BINO: Lindsay hasn't graduated from college and she doesn't have enough experience.

Me: Lindsay is taking my old job.

BINO: No, Lindsay hasn't graduated from college.

Me: I can do this all day. Ask my husband.

BINO: Fine, as long as she finishes (her degree) this semester and you'd better help her learn the job. Anything to shut you up. We hate Ryan for recommending you.

Me: She will. I will. Get me some coffee.

See, it's important to repeat your demand. In both instances I did this. Sometimes they give up after you restate how it's going to be. Sometimes you have to work at it.

One warning: Don't do this type of thing if you suck at your job. If you're good at your job, most bosses will let you stomp on their heads and kick them repeatedly in the crotch because it's too hard to replace an effective employee.

Back to the new digs. There were two nice offices left. One would be mine, the other a mini-conference room. One was a bigger office that was really nice. The other was a corner office that was slightly smaller. I took the corner office. All the attorneys had some windows in their offices, by the way. I like it when things go my way.

Personally, I should've had the biggest office there, but being difficult to deal with can only take you so far.

Lindsay's work area met with my--and her--approval.

But me happy. Me like my corner office. Me deserve my corner office. Me is glad my bosses are afraid of me. Me like intimidation.

You.....got a problem with that?

Awesome!

Hey motherfuckers, is your girl Lori right about the whole "motherfucker" thing or not?

Texas Rangers' manager, Ron Washington is OBVIOUSLY a visitor to the Lair! Don't believe me?

Check it out for yourself!

Ron Washington's Game 7 Clubhouse Speech from JoeSportsFan.com on Vimeo.

"Motherfuck Carp!" AWESOME! He used it as a verb! I LOVE IT!

Hey Ron? Scarface called and said that your pregame speech was great!

Seriously, Ron, it's an honor to know that you're a regular visitor to the Lair!

Hope all your motherfuckers had a great Monday! Enjoy your fucking selves! Man, motherfuck everything!

Saturday Night

At da "House".

Hubby's away, so I got my ass over here around two and stayed. Shells came over as well. College football, baby.

Hmmmmmmmm.....some new faces here, I see. Welcome to the Lair. There is no escape.

Unless, of course, you leave. I'm not too good at false imprisonment.

So we're all watching the LSU/Alabama game (the Empress of Mitziezonia wasn't too thrilled with the result). And sometime during the third quarter, Janey falls asleep on the couch.

Alex, being insanely mischievous, leaves the room and comes back with a mascara pencil. And an evil smile. She waltzes over to Janey, pencil in hand--and who knows what she was going to write on her forehead--and enters "Evil Alex" mode.

Then it happened.

Janey's took her hand from behind her back, opened her eyes, and pointed a water pistol at Alex. And not just any water pistol. It was Alex' water pistol. The same pistol Alex had been tormenting everybody with--especially Janey--the past couple of months.

"FREEZE!"

"Oh shit!"

And with that, a Cuban-American started chasing a Swedish-American up the stairs. We heard a lot of laughing, some "bitch!", some "up yours!", etc.... Finally, we heard, "Truce?" "Truce."

When they came down, Janey's forehead had a bunch of mascara marks and Alex' shirt and shorts were soaked. But it wasn't over.

Janey still had the gun. She looked at Alex and smiled. "Say bye-bye."

The blonde's eyes grew wide, the horrible realization that her beloved water pistol was about to be destroyed.

For this was no ordinary water pistol. No, this one had a big tank on top. We're talking at least two bucks here.

Janey's foot went up, prepared to demolish the blonde's pride and joy.

"No! I'll do anything!"

"You have to promise not to shoot us anymore."

The blonde paused. She could save "Matilda" (yes, she named it), but.....at what cost? But there was no choice. There was no out.

She lowered her head.

"I promise to not not shoot any of you anymore." Yeah, she tried the old double-negative. It didn't fool Janey. Perhaps if Janey were, oh two, maybe.

Shelly and I were captivated by this. Ryan, CG and Mitzie, oddly enough, weren't. Shelly grabbed my arm. I grabbed her arm back. We had to fight back tears as these formerly great friends were staring each other down over the fate of Matilda the water pistol.

The blonde then looked up, the evil smile had returned. "Can I shoot Nick?"

Janey thought about it. "Sure!"

And Matilda the water pistol was saved.....

And Janey handed Matilda back to her rightful owner. The friends hugged. Janey ran to the bathroom. And Evil Alex held the mascara pencil up and smiled.

It was a very evil smile.

Then her husband looked at her. "Alex, behave." "FINE! You never let me have ANY fun!"

Ten minutes later, the blonde and the Cuban were snuggled up on the couch together. I guess adversity CAN bring two friends closer together!

Couple Days Off

Thankfully!

----Anyway, I was thinking about how cool it was if we all started calling people "motherfucker".

I mean, you want some fast food and pull into the drive-through and the voice comes out, "Thank you for visiting Garbageburger, motherfucker. Would you like to try our new double Landfill Burger today?"

And then you'd say, "No thank you, motherfucker. I just want the Quarter Pound Crapburger, no onions and a large order of fries."

"Okay, that's one Quarter Pound Crapburger and a large fry. That'll be $7.60 at the first window, motherfucker."

Then you pull up and hand the attendant your debit card or cash and she hands you the receipt and says, "Thank you, motherfucker. Please pull up to the front window."

Just a thought.

----I was at FSU for two weeks when I met Jack and started dating him. One day, he made a dare and I accepted it. Luckily, we were on a deserted stretch of highway. And Jack lasted about a month. Whatever.

----I have some days to burn off before the end of the year, and I'm going to enjoy using them. I can't believe that a part-time bookkeeping job turned into, well, this.

That could be a good entry. College dropout to medical secretary to medical office technician to part-time legal bookkeeper to full-time legal bookkeeper to legal office manager.

Actually, it WAS an entry back in the 360 days. So it shouldn't be too hard to write it up again.

----Speaking of boyfriend, we just celebrated four years of extramarital bliss! I met Ryan in October, 2007. A few months later, I met his wife, Alex.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......talk about a subject for another entry.

----I really wish the wives of my male slaves (excepting Alexandra, of course), would kindly allow their husbands time away to have sex with me. I find it quite rude that Tom's and Nick's wives don't allow their husbands some personal time. I mean, c'mon. How are they supposed to get some on the side?

----Get this. My hubby isn't a huge fan of one particular NASCAR driver. He likes a lot of them. But apparently a lot of NASCAR fans pick a driver and root for him. So hubby and his buddies are at a restaurant in Charlotte grabbing some dinner on Friday night.

Now, my hubby's in his fifties and extremely good-looking. So he gets hit on at times. So he called me from the restaurant and tells me this really cute waitress is hitting on him. I tell him to have fun if he wants to cash in.

He didn't. Something just didn't feel right about it. He couldn't put his finger on it, so to speak. But he made the right call. If your gut is telling you something, it's usually best to listen.

Okay, that's it. Until I post again, take care, motherfuckers.

If It's Sept, Must Be Time For Another Post!

Several months ago, Tom--one of my boyfriends--and I were kicking it in bed after a nice little romp. We started talking about fetishes, turn-ons, and that type of thing.

And I asked him about tats. I think that's a big guy thing--nailing a chick with some tats. Of course he said yeah, he really liked that look. Hey, Ryan is too. Alex, of course, wouldn't get near a needle to get a tattoo, not that he'd ask her to.

And you know what? Neither would I. That's why they make temporary tats! I ordered a few online and needless to say, Tom loved it.

And I reaped the benefits of that for a few hours.

So what's new?

Well, remember how I made mention back in January of being the "office-manager-in-waiting"? Yeah, well, a few months ago, that changed. I'm now the official office manager.

As for Lindsay, my then-assistant, she graduated from college and took over my job full-time.

And she let me fuck her.

Okay, she didn't. But she is adorable. And I was so happy that everything came out the way it did. She had graduated and started looking for work. I was scared that I was going to lose her, but I couldn't ask her to stick around just on the possibility that I'd get promoted and my job would open up for her.

But Brad eventually did move back to Seattle and I took over, and Lindsay moved up. We ended up hiring another student named Barry to take Lindsay's old job0--which was my first job at the Law Offices of Blah & Blah.

What, you expected a "Dewey, Cheatem & Howe" joke?

Hubby's doing fine. He's NASCARing like crazy again. Hey, why not? He's paid his dues career-wise and can afford to play. He works hard during the week and then it's off to the races. It's his dream to buy into a racing team. I don't know if it'll ever happen, but maybe I could personally interview potential drivers for his team?

Yeah, he said "No." Grrrrrrrrrr! Always ruining my fun!

Anyway, I guess I could make a lot of sexually-oriented puns involving cars and engines, but I guess I'll pass on that.

Although there are a couple of drivers whose crankshafts......

Sorry.

I get asked a lot about hubby and our situation. But yes, he knows that I'm not Little Miss Faithful. There's a bit of a story to the whole thing. But I do love him. And I'll explain a little more about him and how we met and all in a future entry.

"When will that be, Lori? Next May?"

Shaddup!

I also get asked a lot if I'm worried about somebody I know coming across this blog. Not really. Hubby cums...er comes....here, of course. As for like family and coworkers, I'm not too concerned.

"Lori" is a play on my middle name, it's not my first name. And I cut out my face and all that (which, for some reason, people don't really mind one bit....huh.....).

So what's going on at The House? Pretty much same-old, same-old. Which is odd to say when talking about group sex. Janey moving up has been a blast. She's incredible in bed.

The first time I met Janey was back in the Yahoo 360 days. I went to her profile and nearly came when I saw her profile. Soon we were talking back on forth on the message section and then got on the phone for some mutual pleasure. Well, mutual self-pleasure. We both came a couple of times. From then on, we got together on cam or phone on a pretty consistent basis.

Mitzie and her girlfriend CG are doing great. They celebrated they're two-month anniversary this past June. And I thought Mitzie was too young to settle into a relationship like that. Hey, I'm glad I was wrong. They're perfect for each other (and both look fantastic naked).

I'm still hooking up with Nick, as is Alex. Like Ryan, the dude can flat out fuck. Trouble is, with a wife and kids, it's tough for him to get away. Alex goes down on occasion and they fuck on his lunch hour--er hours--but I don't work from home like a certain blonde sexbomb does, so advantage Alex.

But one day, I'm going down to Marietta with Alex and give Nicky-boy a surprise threesome. Hopefully very, very soon.

Tom and I haven't made it back to those tennis courts yet! But I have fucked him several times at his place. Wifey-poo has been working the night shift (Ryan's always talking about fucking wives in their beds, the beds those hubbies sleep in and how cool it is.

He's right. I love banging Tom there. Sure, that's the evil part of me saying that, but it's still cool. Poaching isn't only for men!

So once in awhile we'll set it up so that I'll wait for his call after work. When he gives me the coast is clear text, I zip over and we have an hour of so of fun. She usually heads off to work around three, so it's usually not a problem. A bit risky, but hey....

Oh yeah......

I get asked about videos. Don't. I have them, I'll never post 'em. They're a pain. Alex posted one and said that she'd never do it again.

Can't say that I blame her.

Okay, I'm outtie! See you in 2014!

Or sooner.....who knows....

Hello Again, Hello!

LOL

In my last entry, I was babbling about how I hadn't made a non-sports entry for ten or so months and then wait a month to make another one.

Hey, what can I say? I'm a busy girl! Three boytoys and countless girltoys tends to take up one's time!

Well, that and fuck, I've been working two jobs. LOL

Actually, that's misleading. About a month ago, the office manager, Brad, had a family emergency and had to fly back to Oregon. I really didn't get any details about what was going on. Besides, it was none of my business anyway.

Brad's cool. He's the one who promoted me to replace Janet to run the accounts payable/receiveable department last year. He's always been very cool to me.

Anyway, when he left, one of the partners, Bret (I work for a law practice), asked if I could be the interim office manager for a couple of weeks. I'd have to split time between my normal job and the interim stuff, but got approval to give my assistant, Lindsay, more hours (she's a part-time employee).

Lindsay was down with that. She was between semesters and loved getting the extra hours.

So Brad got back after a couple of weeks--THANKFULLY--and things got back to normal. About a week later, he came by my office to talk.

It turns out that Brad and his wife (I hate her--because of her, I can't fuck Brad....Joking!) will be staying in the Atlanta area for now. But he isn't sure of his long-term plans. So he talked to Bret and they agreed that I should be trained to take over if Brad has to leave down the road.

Yeah, I went from "interim" to "office manager in waiting". No extra money, yet. Blah! LOL Nah, it's a great compliment, it really is.

So what's going down, sex-wise? Get it? What's "going down"? LOL No? Nothing? Tough room!

Well, as many regulars to Lori's Lair know, my hubby's a CFO and a bit older than I am. And he's a NASCAR fanatic. And when NASCAR season starts, he and a couple of his buddies fly to the races. That's when I realllllllllllllly get busy!

But when he isn't NASCARing (I totally made that word up!), I curtail my activities and spend more time with him. Fair's fair!

I mean, I manage to get some time in with my playmates, of course. Just not quite as much as usual! It's usually less socializing at "The House" and more just sex. That's fine, of course, but I love my bf and his wife and love spending non-sex time with them as well.

I'm still seeing Tom, the guy I met at the University of Phoenix. LOL Last July, his wife was home and so was my husband. So we were talking on-line one night and we were both in the mood, but had no place to meet.

Well, I had an idea! There's a park nearby called Wills Park. We decided to meet there. I grabbed a blanket, told my hubby I'd be back in a few, and drove over.

I met him in the parking lot, but my plan was foiled. I had been thinking we could fuck on the baseball diamond there.

Too bad there was a fucking league game going on! LOL Shit! Then he looked over at the tennis courts. Hmmmmmm.......

Why not? The lights were all off. Those courts were rarely used that night. They had wind screens covering the courts. And I was sooooooo in the mood.

So we went over and found something really cool: benches between each court. And those benches didn't have a back on them. Oh yeah, that would work nicely!

We started making out and then stripped. I love fucking outdoors. This was pretty risky, though. Anybody could just walk up to the control panel and flip on all the lights! But I didn't care. I needed a little risk!

I took the blanket and draped it over the bench and had him sit down. Then I warmed up his cock with some nice sucking and licking. Then it was my turn. I laid on my back on this tiny bench and Tom licked me until I came.

After I came, we looked around and made sure an audience hadn't gathered. No, we were still alone. And this guy needed to cum.

We looked at the bench again. Just too small.

So I took the blanket and folded it in half and laid it down. Then I got on all fours and let him fuck me doggy-style. He managed to last for about five minutes--sometimes, folks, it's quality and not quantity--and after I came again, he shoved his cock into me one more time and came.

Fuck, it was so hot.

We considered going at it again, but we had already pushed out luck. I definitely could've used more. But, again....why push it?

So we got dressed, walked to our cars, kissed, and went home.

And to think, I've never really that big of a tennis fan until that night!