Hey....

....what's up, motherfuckers? '

MOTHERFUCK CARP! Still awesome.....what a line. I love Ron Washington. I loved that pregame speech.

Some people took offense when that tape was leaked. I thought it was awesome. To the very oh-so-sensitive ones out there, here's a little tiny piece of info: THAT'S HOW THEY TALK IN LOCKER ROOMS!

Fucking A. That just made me respect the man all that much more. Anybody who took offense to this speech must get hard or wet about things like "everybody gets a worthless trophy day" and "we shouldn't grade students".

Seriously, man. It's fucking sports, that's how they roll, and if you don't like it, go listen to some fucking symphony after your metrosexual seminar. Hit "The Vagina Monologues" with David and Victoria Beckham.

Toughen up, Greta. If this wounds you so much, stop watching sports. Ballet may be your thing (and you can cry there, too!).

But if you keep complaining.....me and my new great friend--and obvious Lair visitor, Ron---got something to say!

MOTHERFUCK CARP!

I am LOVING Jeremy Lin! Linsanity, baby! It's fun, it's perking up a too-packed NBA schedule, and it's exciting. He's a great kid and it's a great story. The ultimate underdog getting his shot. I hope it keeps going. If you don't like Lin, you probably have the Beckhams on speed dial to arrange emergency trips to the shopping mall.

Got me a nice, long weekend. Started today. Y-E-S! Motherfuck Carp!

Me happy. Me like time off. Me don't know why me even bothers working. Me don't gotta. Me must be a glutton for punishment.

I don't get online to chat much. I know a good amount of people and get my chat from Facebook and from some people I already have on my chat list.

But I'll venture into a chat room on occasion, and sure enough, you'll get a bunch of guys assuming that you're there for an orgasm only they can provide. Not all guys are like this, of course. But a lot are. And so are a lot of women.

Invariably, I'll get an IMs from "hey wanna play?" guys and I'll decline, saying that I'm not there for sex. And there's always that one who'll say, "rats" or utter some other declaration of disappointment.

If only I was there for sex! Surely, I'd do it with THAT guy! I love how "that guy" assumes that it would've taken a female more than ten seconds to find a playmate. And I love how "that guy" assumes that I'd just play with him.

Then there's the guy who wants to hook up offline. Usually, these geniuses don't even look at profiles to find out where I actually, you know, live. It amazes me that even in chat rooms some fuckface will IM and ask this. Yeah, I'll just run off and meet some clown like this.

Personally, if I met a guy and we really hit it off, I could see myself maybe getting some action off of him. But it would take a long time. And believe me, I'd develop an offline relationship with him first--coffee, lunches, etc. Still, it's not my S.O.P.

Sheesh. The mentality of some people when they get into a chat room, though.

Hubby's being put to work. He gets to slide on the sex during NASCAR season. Not when it's NASCAR's off-season. No, sorry honey!

So, last night, he did his duty, and quite well, I must say. But....maybe too good of a job? Yeah, I woke up this morning ready for more. So....hand down his boxers.....

Husband: "Let me sleep."

Me: "No. You're working from home, so you have to pay for that. Quit talking back, property."

Husband: "Sorry, all tapped out. Call your boyfriend."
Me: "He's fucking his wife. You do the same, motherfucking hubby."

Husband: "Let. Me. Sleep. And quit using that word."

Me: "What word? "Wife?"

Husband: "Motherfucker, you lunatic."

Me.: "Alex wants to motherfucking fuck you."

And that did it. He was at full attention. Like any guy with a sane mind, he thinks Alex is cuter than cute, and hotter than hot. So I climbed aboard and "did the work", so to speak. Hey, you gotta meet people halfway, right?

Anyway, it didn't take me long to hit the high note and I knew how to make him hit it too. I kept rocking back and forth and said, "I can't wait to double team you with Alex."

And that was that. He ended up starting work later than he had planned, but hey, it wasn't like he had to drive in to work (as he had already "driven-in" somewhere else!)

Would you like fries with that?

I enjoy having a steady bf and hubby. It really IS the best of both worlds. Throw in some cute girls, and well, I'm a happy motherfucking chick. Sometimes a little tired, but happy nonetheless.

Orgasms good. More orgasms better. Food best of all.

I MUST say congratulations to my friends, Shelly and Janey. They recently moved in together at "The House" (Shells moved into Janey's giant, all-encompassing room).

Actually, I don't really HAVE to. But I'm a wonderful, giving person. What can I say? I love those two motherfuckers.

I think they should just shut down Yahoo! at this point. It's clear these fucks don't know what they're doing.

First, they closed down 360, a wonderful platform. I loved 360. But these arrogant assholes knew better. Then, when they shut down 360, they shut down their regular profile system.

When they shut down 360, they promised that everyone could export their blogs. Of course, they're shitty export tool didn't work and everybody lost their blog content.

So they shut down the regular profiles and introduced some POS called "Pulse". "Pulse" must mean "parasite" in Latin, because all it did was suck off FB, Twitter, and Blogspot feeds. Oh, you could add friends, too.

Then you lost the ability to actually, you know, CONTACT your friends! WTF? Then, not long ago, I went to check my Pulse page and saw that it had been replaced with some standard profile platform. All your friends were gone. Now they call it "Yahoo! Profile". Wow, what creative mind thought of THAT?

I'd call it, "Bland POS Yahsuck! Profile". Useless, like everything else on Yahoo.

You couldn't add friends. Just an info page. I went to my profile page and found that this stupid thing doesn't even completely work. When I clicked the "More Info" tab, it wouldn't open.

Unbelievable. No wonder other social networking systems are kicking the snot out of it!

Oh, and when I went to my profile from the YahSuck Messenger module, I had to sign in. I guess signing INTO Messensucker wasn't enough.

Fuck you, Yahoo. I hope you assholes go out of business. You're nothing but arrogant, know-nothing losers. Again, fuck you. Anybody who makes AOL look great in comparison is truly the bottom of the barrel.

When 360 was still around, I DID have one problem. You could post your own pick as the background. It was great. People loved it. And there was one of me I posted at a yacht club in Florida. It show a teeny-tiny, itsy-bitsy bit of nipple. So they kept taking it off. Needless to say, this royally pissed me off. They gave me shit over another couple of pics as well.

So Teri put up a full frontal nude pic of herself for her background to see what they'd do. They never said a word. She had it up for like a year.

Unreal.

A month or so ago, the law office I run with an iron fist moved into a spacious new pad. A few weeks before we moved, one of the senior partners came into my office and said, "C'mon. We're going to the new place."

Fuck yeah. But why?

Boss In Name Only: We want you to pick your office.

Me: Why? You didn't already assign me a closet?

BINO: We don't want to hear you complain by choosing yours. We have two from you to choose from.

Me: Only two?
BINO: Uh huh.

Me: Okay, but Lindsay's coming with us.

BINO: We picked out her work area already.

Me: Lindsay's coming with us.

BINO: Fine. I apologize for not realizing this.

Me: That's okay.

Fucking bosses. They're like your parents: you TELL them, you don't ASK them. And you let them know that if they say no, you're going to do it behind their backs anyway, so they might as well just fucking say yes and spare themselves the headache. Seems simple enough to me.

So I went and grabbed Lindsay (she's my former assistant when I ran Accounts Payable/Receivable who now runs Accounts Payable/Receivable). I wanted her to have an idea of where she wanted what. I thought that was only fair.

Lindsay is another example of telling, not asking, your boss/bosses.

When I became the office manager, I wanted Lindsay. So when they asked if I wanted the "interim" taken off my title, I said sure.

Then I told BINO I wanted Lindsay to move up.

Me: Lindsay is taking my old job.

BINO: Lindsay hasn't graduated from college and she doesn't have enough experience.

Me: Lindsay is taking my old job.

BINO: No, Lindsay hasn't graduated from college.

Me: I can do this all day. Ask my husband.

BINO: Fine, as long as she finishes (her degree) this semester and you'd better help her learn the job. Anything to shut you up. We hate Ryan for recommending you.

Me: She will. I will. Get me some coffee.

See, it's important to repeat your demand. In both instances I did this. Sometimes they give up after you restate how it's going to be. Sometimes you have to work at it.

One warning: Don't do this type of thing if you suck at your job. If you're good at your job, most bosses will let you stomp on their heads and kick them repeatedly in the crotch because it's too hard to replace an effective employee.

Back to the new digs. There were two nice offices left. One would be mine, the other a mini-conference room. One was a bigger office that was really nice. The other was a corner office that was slightly smaller. I took the corner office. All the attorneys had some windows in their offices, by the way. I like it when things go my way.

Personally, I should've had the biggest office there, but being difficult to deal with can only take you so far.

Lindsay's work area met with my--and her--approval.

But me happy. Me like my corner office. Me deserve my corner office. Me is glad my bosses are afraid of me. Me like intimidation.

You.....got a problem with that?